How to Talk to a Loved One About Needing Extra Support

The idea of broaching extra support for a loved one can be a very daunting prospect.

It is hard to watch friends and family struggle with the usual tasks of daily living, whether that may be managing to get to and from the shops or just getting their socks on successfully. There are some great life hacks online - for example, a clever tip for putting on socks (see video below) - but sometimes these aren’t enough to address the bigger picture of someone’s needs.

We have put together some tips on how to approach talking to a loved one about extra care support:

1. Gather information through observation

If you are having some niggling concerns over the welfare of a person you suspect could do with added support around the house, the first step would be to do research. That doesn’t have to be online research. It could be as simple as using observational skills to assess how they are managing.

Physical Signs

• Have they mentioned something that is causing them difficulties? It can be as simple as an unopened jar or tin you spot in the kitchen. As people get older, their grip strength can diminish due to arthritis.
• Maybe the person has mentioned booking more frequent hair appointments because they find it difficult to manage hair washing.
• Perhaps their house looks slightly more disorganised or dusty than usual because they find it challenging to keep up with the housework.
• They may have lost weight recently and mentioned a lack of appetite or energy to prepare meals.

Emotional Signs

• They may have expressed loneliness or isolation by saying something like, ‘You’re the first/only person I’ve spoken with today.’

Cognitive Signs

• You may notice that the person’s clothing is inside out or back to front.
• They may have left an external door ajar or unlocked on more than one occasion.
• You may have noticed that they tell the same story more often during a conversation, having forgotten mentioning it earlier.
• They may express confusion about the day or month, or find it hard to say the right words.
• Their behaviour may have changed, acting more irritable than usual. It's easy to dismiss this as an 'off day' or oversight, but if it becomes more regular, it’s time to address it.

2. Choose the right moment

The next question is ‘How?’. And the answer is quite simply to choose a comfortable time and place to initiate a conversation with compassion, empathy, and great sensitivity. Focus on creating a safe, non-judgmental space without distractions for open communication. No one wants to feel vulnerable to perceived criticism of their ability to manage. Use ‘I’ statements and specific examples rather than general statements, e.g I’ve noticed, I can see, etc. Be prepared to listen actively, make eye contact, and avoid interrupting them when they are talking.

3. Try the 'sandwich method'

It’s good practice to start small and consider a framework like the ‘sandwich method’ to build confidence and foster communication. The ‘sandwich method’ creatively presents challenging topics so others can hear you. Start with a positive statement, express your concern, and then end with a positive statement. You could say, 'I have always loved this view of the garden. You have done so much with it, and the flowers look lovely. I have noticed that the grass has been getting long lately. Is the lawnmower working?'  Focus first on the person's abilities and what they have achieved to date, and offer an opening to discuss something they may be struggling with and reassure them that you are there to help them find the best solution. This simple conversation gambit could end with an offer to mow the lawn or get the lawnmower fixed, followed by a more in-depth discussion about other situations that might be causing problems.

4. Validate their feelings

Acknowledge feelings without judgement, even if you don’t fully understand them, using phrases like: 'That must be difficult for you' / 'I can see that’s hard for you' / 'It’s okay to feel like that.' It is essential to respect the independence they have valued throughout their life. Listen patiently, acknowledge their concerns, and resist the urge to solve every problem immediately. You can also use the opportunity to express your feelings and concerns, and approach it as a shared problem-solving effort, not blame. Simply saying something like, “I understand this is a difficult topic, but I want you to feel safe and supported,” can help create space for a more open and meaningful dialogue.

5. Use supportive language

Remembering that the person may feel scared about ‘care’ and surrendering their independence is also important. The person may shut down the conversation or refuse to talk. Using less intimidating words like ‘support’, ‘company’, or ‘help’ is a good idea. Reassure them there is no need to make any immediate decisions, and for now, you are simply exploring what support might be helpful, either now or in the future. They may feel more comfortable with the idea if it is presented as having a bit of help around the house rather than receiving care. Focus the discussion on support and quality of life. For many people, extra help at home can mean more energy, freedom, and time to enjoy the things they love.

6. Be prepared for more than one conversation

Remember, this may be a slightly extended process with multiple conversations. Both you and the person may need time to process and reflect on the information discussed. You might want to revisit the topic later and use open-ended questions or statements like ‘I’ve been thinking about what you said last week, and I wondered if you would find it helpful if I researched support/came with you to the doctor’s appointment’, etc. These conversations can be challenging for everyone involved and require a lot of patience and understanding. Be prepared to recognise that you are human and have limits, so you may want to consider involving others in the conversation, such as family members, friends, support organisations, or healthcare professionals.